I do not believe in fate. I do not believe in a god. Evidence points to the fact, that all that influences our own wellbeing (or downfall) are our environmental conditions, our decisions and indecisions. An yet I pray. Each and every night I reach for a pendant I wear around my neck and clench my fist around it, until it hurts. I cose my eyes and hold my breath and think through a list of all things I wish for, as if I am mentally screaming it out into the void of the universe, where they and their echo fades away unheard. Usually.
I don’t know why I do it. It makes me feel ridiculous and (until now) nobody ever knew. One of the things I used to beg was for all whats in my head to be taken away – by somebody. By her. For someone to slay the dragon gnawing at my insides. I gave up on that a few months ago. It turned into something even weirder: “Plaese let things work out – in whatever way.” And then it turned into “Let something happen.”. Until all that was left was a name my thoughts cried out. No wish, no hope. Just the mentioning of one persons existence.
Today my green light blinked. And my heart jumped. That was about two hours ago. My pulse still hasn’t calmed down. My hands are still shaking. Working is impossible. The long list of things to do will grow even more until tomorrow. But what could I think of, if not the fact, that she contacted me. Out of the blue. Wants to see me. Thursday. A decision she made in her usual, harsh, direct way, which I appreciate so much.
I had decided we were done. All the pain, all the suffering. Being sidelined for so long – and I still am. I felt deceived, cheated, underappreciated. Used, chewed up and spat out, once I became useless. And the worst thing: It just happened. It was neither her plan nor her desire. It was unintended, nothing more but an accident. But I became unbearable. As I just do. (Fuck, there was a post planned about this issue too.. Wonder if that’ll ever happen..)
The process of separation took long. Several months. I started taking pills – first and last time in my life, someting I never wanted to do and never will again, no matter how tempting. She resurfaced again and again. Hope coming and disappearing, like tidal waves, slowly washing away at what remained of my already crumbling foundations. I tried to make a clean cut several times. But I guess I never mustered the guts to do so.
I had sworn to myself not to fall like that again – repeatedly. I had learned, I told myself – repeatedly. And now I’m doing it once more. Am I such a fool? What else was I supposed to do? Show the strength I promised myself to have? Her timing: Impeccable. A week ago I probably would’ve been angry enough. But now merely her showing remote interest was enough to tear down each and every wall.
Then my final words were “You don’t get to say goodbye”. I felt she had hung me out to dry and all that was left to me was to deny myself to any additional exposure. To deal the one final blow, I was able to, knowing, she would go on to lead a happier life without me, while I’d fall. Those words had stayed with me. They were, what I intended to remain. Strong and untouchable. Sinking towards my inevitable demise, but with my boots on and my head held high. Unshakeable and pathetically proud with no one there to watch.
Now my knees do shake undeniably and my eyes are unsteady. Everything I am able to handle but this. She makes me helpless and not even with bad intend. But I am bare, without defense. Would I have responded with a stern and decisive “No”, it would have felt so good but at the same time crushed me. All I could’ve relied on, was having kept my pride and remained strong – which would have helped. For a bit. Days, maybe weeks until the anger had gone up in smoke. Then I would have been alone again, this time entierly due to my own decision.
Not denying her was a mistake, but doing so would have been a disaster, of equal or even bigger proportions. I had a post planned about guilt, about how it shapes our life as one of our biggest fears and how it shapes each and every decision we take. And here I lead by example: Too afraid of having to stand up for chosing either way I am putting myself at somebody elses mercy. I used to trust her with my life. I thought that stopped. But she picked the right time. The moment where glorification and bitter-sweet memories overtrump the lessons I probably should have learned.
Whatver happens: Now it’s too late. Back to square one. Even if I cease contact this very second. I am exposed and miles from cover. The hit I have aready taken, so I might as well sty to watch, how this turns out. Ain’t life just interesting?
allthatswrongwithme 