Okay, let’s be honest. The last post was babble and just a warmup exercise. Words keep my fingers busy and busy fingers make for an empty mind. I just happened to be an innocent bystander in a trainwreck. Sadly enough the shrapnel turned me into a goddamn porcupine, while others will probably walk away unscathed.
I put myself into a self destructive position again, whichs outcome not even my highly pessimism-advanced mind could’ve forseen. (Well, it kinda did. But who would have thought, that karmas fist travels THAT swiftly?) So, yeah, instead of one person, it was two kicking my ass. No bad intentions there of course. Just kinda happened. Woops.
The question I am asking myself is, what to do now? I have no reason to be angry. I knew it – everything. And still. Over the last couple of days plenty of words were spoken, inconvenient truths revealed. And I braved them. I did all I could, poured all thats left of me into what I said. And slowly I gained ground and momentum. And when I had the epiphany, of not fixing things on a map, but simply pointing in a direction, minutes after I made my effort, there came the hammer, telling me, what I do not deserve.
*BANG*
Now all that’s left to me is a pile of rubble, something I am supposed to build on all by myself. And even the thought is tiring (all that fucking toast.. don’t worry if you happen to not understand my toast-obsession).
The words that were said I neither can, nor want to take back. Of course. I meant them. But amazed I gaze at all that happened, how swiftly everyone moved in place to take it away from me. Again: No bad intentions. But self-pity. Bunches of that actually. A natural reaction I assume (I can’t truly know, since I am not a fully functioning human anymore, I was beingt told). But I wonder: What was real? The words? The action? Maybe, in a fucked up intersocial-quantum state, both? I can understand how panic turns into flight and reflexes betray what we just, mere minutes ago, claimed to be. Bravery becomes cowardice, the hero the first one to flee the battlefield. Whatever happened to fucking take a breath and think?
I feel my understanding turning into despair as I repeat what has been said over and over again. My empathy slowly turns into anger. And the irony – oh the irony. I’d laugh myself silly if.. well, if I wasn’t me and I wasn’t sitting on that very pile of rubble. But all that’s left to me is the need to scream. To scream and at the same time hold my breath. To cease to be and, even better, to never have been.
I asked not to be broken again, as I was being unerathed, from what I thought was to be my already long forgotten grave. But somebody considered it a charming, great idea to drag me back to life. Oh the irnoy. So here I am, a rotting corpse, out in the pouring rain. And not even the rats will take a bite.
As anybody is probably easily able to tell: I am losing my mind. Utter insanity just sweeping me away. Don’t know, where to run, don’t know what to look at, just wandering, aimlessly within the prison I errected around myself. And I am more tired, than I was ever before. And my cryptic blabbering, believe it or not, is as annoying to me, as it is to you. This blog was meant to be… I don’t know.. interesting. In some way, shape or form proving to myself, that all my mumbling, the talking to myself is not just fucked up bullshit, coming from a fucked up mind. The answer it has provided me with so far is less than flattering. Who would’ve thought.
So long story short: I guess I’m shutting this down. Maybe for days, maybe for months, maybe forever. For several reasons. The one most “interesting” is probably my disappointment with myself and what I am producing.
Tonight I somewhen might fall asleep. Maybe. And eventually I’ll awake from disturbing, panic inducing dreams, that oh so well will reflect and remind me of all that has happened today. And then, once what I just turned out to be part of becomes actually real, I’d like to be far, far away from this virtual wall I abuse for my nonsense. I just hope I can resist.
Good night. It was nice not knowing any of you. Maybe I’ll one day annoy you again.